4 questions for people-pleasers
Low desire is a complex issue that extends far beyond the cliché of "it's not you, it's me." It is one of the most common reasons people seek support from me for sexual issues in therapy. But outside of the session room, there isn’t much conversation about it.
What are the common causes of low desire?
More often than not, people grappling with low desire tend to turn blame inward, berating themselves with thoughts that they are somehow broken or pathological. They may falsely believe that they should just try harder to enjoy the type of intimacy their partner(s) desire. But unless a medical condition is the main complaint, low desire could signal that a channel to connection is pinched off.
This pinching off can show up as worry, chronic pain, fatigue, and overall dissociation from the present moment. We experience that pinching off as internal self-criticism, and in relationships as aggression, resentment, neglect, or the “fawn” response also known as people-pleasing.
I have noticed in particular that folks in polyamourous and open relationships struggling with sex issues and inhibited desire, or who have difficulty experiencing pleasure once sex has been initiated, seem to have more shame around their arousal levels. There's this idea that if you've chosen a non-traditional relationship style, it means you MUST have a supercharged libido 100% of the time. Of course this isn't true for anyone, but the myth persists and can still impact a sense of security and stability, further widening the gap between the expectations of the mythical ideal and the reality of navigating one's own experience.
How normal to consider intimacy a low priority, given all *gestures widely at capitalism* this. Yet for people-pleasers especially, you may be unfairly comparing your likely normal level of desire against a partner’s also normal but higher level, or against a social standard that doesn’t match your own unique internal system. Also, you're probably pretty certain of what you do NOT like, yet it can feel like a struggle to answer the question “what do you like?” This becomes even more challenging if you've never truly experienced it before.
What are some strategies or techniques for increasing sexual desire?
I know that you can experience intimate self expression. Here are four questions (ok more like eight questions because every question is like a path opening up so many more curious avenues) that are made for people-pleasers. You can use these to begin research your own present experience of pleasure, within and outside intimate dynamics. and start with the foundational Step 0: constructing your Pleasure Map.
When do I feel peaceful? What’s going on around me and inside me?
When am I playful or silly? Am I by myself or with others? During free time or in structured organized spaces?
When do I feel powerful? What people or activities bring me there?
What activities please me in my day to day life, big or small, intimate or not?
There's no right way to answer these questions – you can write out your ideas, or make art as you think about them, or read them once, put on some music and dance without thinking about anything at all!
Is it possible for someone with low sexual desire to experience a fulfilling and satisfying sex life?
This personal Pleasure Map, made from your own personal intuitive wisdom, can serve as a powerful tool for disrupting the habitual patterns of thinking and behaving that may be inhibiting your unique expression of desire. It can shed light on relational and social messages that do not serve your genuine desires.
So, that's Step 0 – a fundamental starting point for understanding your own desire. If this makes you feel something and you’re curious to step in deeper, you can take the next step by reaching out to join Pleasure Paths, my upcoming online group workshop series, specifically designed for people-pleasers who want to reconnect to their creative desire using trauma-informed embodiment rituals. This weekly series is scheduled to kick off on November 14. It's open to all, and centres experience of LGBTQ+ identities and consensual non-monogamy relationship structures.
Register for it here!
With heart,
Susie
* This article covers a range of topics related to low sexual desire, from its causes and effects to potential support options. It is not medical expertise or a replacement for counselling therapy. It's important to note that if someone is experiencing persistent low sexual desire that is causing physical pain as well as distress, seeking guidance from a medical professional is strongly advised in addition to mental health support.