Coaxing Playfulness into Relationships
Who else here is done with being inundated with advice about love like: 10 Kinds Of Smiles To Attract the Partner, 3 Best Deodorants For Instant Dating, 15 Ways To Find Out Their Time Of Birth To See If Your Astrology Signs Match (#13 will shock you).
Personally, I’m worn out with my desires and personal connections being commodified by capitalism as things to be possessed, as achievements to quantify, as resources to be eternally striving for. I’m hungry for play in my dynamics with others, for flexibility and pleasure as we ride the tremors of our co-regulation and dysregulation. And I’m down to fail and pick up to try again.
But it’s easy to speak about and quite another to practice. The obstacles of capitalist culture place enormous personal responsibility on individuals, stealing our time and energy to feed the dragons of productivity. So of course there’s rigidity in relationships when it feels like there is so little left over to give others, and then when we add in historical relational injury, the spaces between the dragon scales tighten even more.
So at the risk of contradicting myself, here are…
3 Ways To Create Space For Playfulness In Your Relationships.
Notice desire. This is a solo exercise. Think of a time you acted in alignment with what you wanted in a dynamic with someone. This could be in your relationships, or your creative practice, your work, even day to day life like house tasks or eating. Were you asking for something, or were you responding to a request? Were you giving or receiving an answer? When you recall this moment in your mind, the body also remembers it and sensations can arise. For example, perhaps you feel a sense of softening in the throat, or thickening high up in the chest. Maybe there’s an i-don’t-know in the stomach, some nothing, a numbness. All of this is information to use for checking in with yourself through your day, and also when you meet with someone you’re close to.
Invite novelty. A big part of being playful is acting on impulse that generates delight and surprise. In intimate dynamics, and this goes for friendships and family connections too, the longer we know that person the more we assume about them. We forget to be curious and numb out in routine. Allow each other not to make sense! Be open to the absolute mystery that is your dear one. This is especially crucial in polyamoury dynamics, for instance when a new partner enters the pod all the novelty seems to stem solely from them, long-term partners can be left feeling a bit like an old shoe. Intimacy and familiarity creates a secure base from which to take risks, so what feels alive and vivid in the moment can unfurl. I love conversation cards for prompting novel questions like the deck We’re Not Really Strangers. For sexual dynamics there are so many books in the “spice things up” aisle, offering an endless range ideas for sensory exploration, co-creating fantasy and storytelling, or switching your usual roles in the bedroom.
Honour ritual. Another part of playfulness is repetition over time. Ritual is any moment with a clearly marked beginning and end, usually to express a set intention. Capitalism and white supremacy have bleached out the rituals in our culture, reducing celebrations of love to one day a year marked by displays of wealth, yet often forgotten and resented. We get tied up in calendars (insert joke about shared polyamoury google calendars here) and stay in strict formation around holidays and anniversaries, setting high expectations of ourselves and others. The power of ritual is waiting to be invited into your daily life. You’re likely already doing it. Inside jokes, that song you set the table to, the private non-verbal language between you and your sweetie that signals safety and understanding. What do you already do together that can be explicitly celebrated? I have friends in a couple who have a playful rule that they must kiss for 5 seconds every 10 minutes, though they don’t watch the clock about it. When one says “it’s been 10 minutes!” the other offers them a kiss. It’s lighthearted and it affirms their commitment, another way to communicate “I want you here and I want to be here”.
What lights up in you when you take this in? What feelings bubble up?
I get that trying out new things without a roadmap can be daunting. However I do see this time of year as a perfect moment to re-center relationships. Fall is a season of transformation within structure. In astrology, Scorpio is now closing in on the horizon, calling for boundaries, revelling in both the pleasure and the grief of clearing space of what you don’t want and, perhaps more vulnerably, what you dearly do want. So, the gathering darkness of November is the ideal time for creating intimate community support to travel inward.
I am proud to share that there are still 3 spaces open for my new therapy group, embodying desire. You can sign up by clicking the link below!
embodying desire is a trauma-informed somatically-rooted creative arts group therapy series centred on relational embodiment. I’m co-creating it with art therapist Dani Minuskin to guide you to confidently identify and honour your desires. It’s in-person at my studio in Montreal, running for six Sundays starting November 3.
Blending somatic, art, drama, and sex therapy techniques, we explore visceral responses around sexuality, relationship structures, consent, and intimacy, as well as somatic flirting and unpacking cultural taboos. We hold this as a queer-centered space, naming the oppressive institutions and internalized systems that impact authentic access to our bodies and relationships, as well as the empowerment of stepping into self-expression beyond normative social scripts.
By the final session, you will have gained:
• a deeper awareness and understanding of your desires and sexuality
• vocabulary to express your desires and your limits
• a library of somatic pleasure practices
• tools to communicate with (potential) partners, both verbal and nonverbal
• skills to continue reflection on your desires, limits, and sexuality
If you’re interested and want to know more, all the information as well as the signup is on the page HERE. You deserve to experience pleasure. You deserve to feel supported in your relationships, and excited to explore with people who delight you. I hope you’ll join us. And hey if you really want to but you really can’t, or you’re not ready, or the timing doesn’t work, that’s ok! You can leave a comment below or send me a message to stay informed of our other offerings in the future.